hello

At the tail end of 2015 I moved, away from the Gold Coast, to focus on building my business and writing my book — the big book How To Be Medicine. Then my world collapsed and I couldn’t do any of it.

Opening my heart to what was, trusting it was happening for me, I let myself be lived by it. Slowly, piece by piece, the things I had designed my life around began to dissolve and I found myself somewhere completely different.

It wasn’t easy. It wasn’t painless, but it was beautiful. Always beautiful. Even then, as I was cracking the egg and behoven to it, I knew – this pain is sacred.

It has meaning, beyond being an alert to need and want. There’s a beckoning, a way in, the ultimate invitation to purity. It’s honest and demanding of my full attention, my whole awarenesses. And I love it, even though it hurts.

Some people wait, to feel full, to be through before they reveal themselves to the world. And that’s perfect, for them. I see them as perfect for their purpose and completely on track. I just know, for me, there is only this. I can’t wait for an end or beginning that never comes b/c I’m always right here, in the perfection of now.

Not a guru above the experience of now. Just aware, acutely, that that’s what’s really going on for me. Including my frustrations, my rage, my sorrow, my normal. Not ignoring them or in spite of them.

Also not making them a lesson, a dis-ease or attack. Whatever’s going on is happening for a reason, as part of the perfection of a whole that I can’t fathom. Not from here. Not as a thinking, breathing being of light and dark on soil on Earth in the world of give-and-take. But maybe I don’t have to. Understand, that is.

Maybe it’s enough for me to simply be who I am, where I am, as I am. Maybe it’s okay that it looks like I’m in pain and that I can’t get things done for people the way I used to. The way they’d like me to. And that what I’m up to now is different to what it used to look like. Different to what it’s expected to look like when someone has accepted the allowing of what is. Maybe.